Conscious Parenting Inspirations – February 2015

“He who knows patience knows peace.” – Chinese proverb

I began practicing patience this month as part of my More Mindful Year, and although I have struggled with it, I have also learned a few things along the way. In my moments of silence and space, when I would otherwise have been worrying about being late or making someone wait, repeatedly reminding my children or family that it was “time to go,” or thinking about something else I “should” be doing, I found that I was able to turn moments of impatience into moments of learning or joy. By pausing and consciously shifting my mindset to one of patience, rather than impatiently trying to rush the moments by, I was able to make space in my day to listen to myself, listen to my children and take little joyful breaks throughout the day.

Listen to Yourself

Bedtimes and early mornings are, I’ve realized, when I am at my least patient. As a parent of two under five, I have had few nights when I’ve actually gone to bed in the evening and woken up naturally in the morning, with a complete night’s rest in-between. Nor do I, as most parents of young children, have much time to myself. So when I am in “danger” of losing either of those precious commodities, I can be a bit impatient and rigid.

But this month, since I’ve been practicing mindfulness and patience, I had the experience of listening to my thoughts before I opened my mouth when my daughter fought sleep and roused me out of mine, and one day, what I heard was, “Be the mom.”

It was, at once, both revelational and embarrassing. I realized that so often at these times, I am putting my own needs, for sleep or time to myself, above the immediate needs of my daughter. And while my own needs are important and should be honored, a reminder to myself to “be the mom,” helped me to respond to her, patiently, in the moment, rather than focusing on my own irritation. I realized that, sometimes, I reverse our roles and expect her to meet my needs, rather than me “being the mom” and meeting hers. This reminder, which has now become a mantra, helps me to act with patience and love, much like my own mother did, hopefully building similar memories for my daughter of her mom. Without pausing to shift to a patient mindset, I might not have heard that reminder or made the change that followed. (It could also work as “Be the Dad!”)

Sometimes, if we just stop and listen, rather than rushing through a moment, we make space for our own inner wisdom to be heard.

Listen to Your Children

Another thing I’ve learned by practicing patience is that by waiting, you open up space for your children (or others) to talk and share their feelings.

I’ve started my daughter’s bedtime routine a little earlier in the past few days, to give her sufficient time to wind down before I run off to tend to her little brother’s bedtime needs (something that is often hard for her). During this time, I’ve started the practice of “checking-in” with her, asking how she’s feeling or if she has anything she wants to talk about. During one of these conversations, she asked why I spend so much time getting her little brother to bed, which led to a conversation about how she wishes she was still a little baby and how we could meet her needs for more “babying.” After this conversation, I was able to make some small changes in our daily interactions to help meet these needs, something I never would have thought to do if I had not made more space in our evening routine, rather than impatiently rushing through it each night.

If your children are older, in this post, How to Build a Great Relationship in 15 Minutes a Day, the author describes how consciously setting aside small amounts of time to regularly connect with, and listen to, older children can have a real positive impact.

Take Joyful Breaks

Another thing I learned, in practicing mindfulness and patience, is that when you do, life slows down. You find time in between things that you never knew was there. You begin to enjoy things you never took the time to enjoy before. And you give yourself the gift of little moments of joy every day that you might otherwise have rushed through or not have noticed at all.

As parents, we have a never-ending list of things to-do for our families, for our jobs, for our homes, for ourselves. But in the course of checking things off of this list, if you try to remember to practice each one mindfully (when you remember), focusing on the task at hand, rather than the thoughts in your head, you can create little moments of peace and joy that can keep you renewed throughout even the busiest of days.

Links and Resources

In her article 11 Things Parents of Empty Nesters Want Kids to Know, Shelley Emilling provides a list of small things to help parents savor their children’s childhoods (with more in the comments if you have a lot of time on your hands!) – Thank you Geneva!

In this great article 12 Tips to Transition to Peaceful Parenting from Aha! Parenting, Dr. Laura Markham provides a compact overview of Peaceful Parenting strategies and tips for dialogues to have with your children in different situations. A great first read if you are new to Peaceful or Conscious Parenting or a great refresher even if you currently parent in this way.

What about you? Have you had any conscious parenting insights this month or new or inspiring resources to share (to be included in next month’s Conscious Parenting Inspirations)? If so, I’d love to hear from you!

Thanks for Reading!

Sharon, Author, The Conscious Parenting Notebook (Now only $5.99!)

Consciously Connecting (with your partner)

“If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” —African proverb

My husband and I just celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary. In his card, I printed out a message from an email he had sent to me ten years ago, detailing his own personal vision for the marriage and family he wanted to have. Today, while we are not a mirror image of his vision, we are pretty close, and it was a wonderful thing to recognize and celebrate.

Over our 10 year relationship, we have had many ups and downs, like most couples, but when it finally came down to hitting our stride and learning what we need to keep our relationship healthy, we found it is all about connection.

When we take the time to connect with each other, we take the time

to listen,

to talk,

to share,

to problem solve,

to commiserate,

to plan,

to remember,

to laugh,

and to enjoy each other’s company.

When we make time to connect on a daily basis, we both feel more loved, supported and understood. We feel like a team, facing life together.

But it takes a conscious effort, and it isn’t always easy.

Sometimes, I’ll pause during the day and realize that I miss him. The feeling comes with a sensation of not having seen him in a while, when in reality, I saw him only that morning and all evening the evening before, but we were both busy with personal projects and didn’t take the time to consciously connect. And, if days go by like this, I feel a distinct sense of unease – less loving, more guarded – until we’re back on track.

But it takes work. It takes time. It takes prioritizing our relationship, over other things we may need to do. Something that isn’t always easy for busy couples, long-distance couples, parents of newborn or small children or couples who don’t understand the importance of regular, daily, conscious connection.

In her article, Five Hours to a Better Relationship (part of a four part series on improving relationships), Christine Carter of the Greater Good Science Center talks about the importance of regular connection with your partner. In the article, she introduces John and Julie Gottman’s “magic five hours a week, ” in which they recommend connecting for:

• two minutes every weekday morning to share your plan for the day,
• twenty minutes each day when you arrive home,
• five minutes throughout the day to express gratitude for one another,
• (at least) five minutes of daily physical affection;
• and two hours a week to get to know each other better.

Putting this advice into practice as often as we can, my husband and I make sure to greet each other, mindfully, each morning as we pass in the kitchen. We take time to say hello and goodbye with eye-contact and a kiss. We connect during the day via email or text when we can.

And each evening, we have tea.

Having tea together, each evening, has become the cornerstone of our relationship, a wonderful way for us to consciously connect each day; something we both enjoy and prioritize.

Our evening “tea,” (which doesn’t always involve tea, although it typically does for other health benefits), involves a set time when we turn off the television and our computers and sit down for a cup of tea. We use this time to check-in with each other, talk about our days and look ahead to the week ahead.

The most important thing about tea is that all electronic devices are turned off and we focus on creating a conscious connection. And of course, taking time to connect doesn’t have to involve tea or be in the evenings. It should be a time, place and environment that work best for your relationship; one you are able to commit to on a daily basis (as much as possible).

Ideas for Creating Conscious Connection

Checking-in with each other, telling stories about your day and sharing anything you have on your mind, is important for daily connection, but if you still have time afterwards, or find you need ideas to spark conversation to create a stronger connection, the following links offer some ideas.

•  A recent New York Times Article lists the 36 Questions that lead to love discussed in Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love Essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This. While you have already be (or were once) in love with your partner, the questions might still spark some interesting conversation.

• Take a quiz to discover your personal love language profiles.

• For more direct questions to check-in with your partner, Power of Two provides 8 Essential Relationship Questions to Ask.

Resources for Building Conscious Connection

 If you aren’t feeling connected to your partner and feel that you need some intervention before beginning to build in daily time for connection, Love and Life Toolbox, offers some practical advice in 8 Ways to Spring Clean Your Marriage (or long-term relationship).

Additionally, on February 12 and 13, Relationship Coach Monika Hoyt is hosting a free virtual Authentic Relationship Telesummit with interviews with experts in the field of relationship psychology covering topics on the science behind lasting love, tips for an authentic relationship, healthy communication tools, tips for enhanced connecting and intimacy and more. You have to call in to listen, but Monika shares an event schedule, so you can plan to call in to the topics you are most interested in.

What about you? Do you have any habits, rituals or advice for maintain a conscious connection in your relationship? If so, I’d love to hear from you!

Thanks for Reading!

Sharon, Author, The Conscious Parenting Notebook

A More Conscious February – Practicing Patience

 “Trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.” ― Molière

Patience, as they say, is a virtue. Patience allows you to be  more peaceful, more kind, more understanding, and more joyful. Patience allows you to slow down and enjoy the moment you are in. According to Essential Life Skills, cultivating patience reduces stress levels and makes you a happier, healthier person; results in better decision making; helps develop understanding, empathy and compassion; and helps you to understand and appreciate the process of growth.

Of course, there are times when patience is not warranted, such as in emergency situations, but often so much of what we perceive to be an emergency is really not so urgent in the larger picture. I’ve had moments when I’ve been rushing around trying to get everyone out of the house on a self-imposed time table, only to find myself angry when no one else was even remotely upset and there was really nothing to be angry about.

But I don’t want to do that any more.

Which is why this month, I am going to work on cultivating patience (For a beautiful story on another mother who made a similar decision read, Hands Free Mama’s post, The Day I Stopped Saying Hurry Up).

In her article, Cultivating Patience: A Practice That Becomes Its Own Reward, Ker Cleary, a practitioner of contemplative psychology, explains that the practice of patience involves a shift in our perspective. She explains that “Patience comes from having confidence – born of awareness, practice, and experience – that the storm will pass, and that if we ride it out, all will be well again.”

She notes that, with practice, patience comes more easily.

And so this month I will practice.

Week 1: Determining When You are Impatient and Why

In her post, 6 Pointers for Practicing Patience, Dani Dipirro of Positively Present, suggests noticing reoccurring situations that test your patience and then asking why you are impatient at those times. While we can’t always predict when we will become impatient, we may be able to notice that we have less patience in certain situations such as driving in traffic, juggling multiple responsibilities at work or during dinner time at home, or when we are running late.

Once we become aware of these situations, we can more consciously cultivate patience by taking deep breaths, repeating helpful mantras, practicing mindfulness, or any other technique that works for us. In the above referenced post, Dani also suggests asking yourself why you are impatient, so that you can address the reason or simply acknowledge it as a way to bring more mindfulness, and patience, to the situation. Before beginning the week, I can already think of a few regularly occurring situations that will be great opportunities to practice patience.

Week 2: Releasing Attachment to the Outcome

In her post, Four Steps for Cultivating Patience, spiritual teacher Barb Schmidt, advises readers to “release the expectation that everything will go as planned or that people will do what you expect them to do.” In order to cultivate patience, she also recommends that we “make an intention to begin letting go of your expectations and replacing them with preferences.”

As a part of small children (or perhaps a parent of children in general), I often find myself wanting my children to do something that I’ve asked them to do right when I ask them to do it. While I’ve started being more conscious of the need to acknowledge what they are involved in and ask if they can do whatever it is that needs to be done when they are finished with their current task, I still expect them to follow through.

But as I was researching the topic of patience, I remembered something that had resonated with me from a book on conscious parenting – when children are growing, it is not realistic to expect immediate compliance, but instead practice expressing your preference (for them to do something) and let go of your attachment to the outcome. If whatever it is really needs to be done, I can either do it myself or try to change tatics to help them want to comply, instead of becoming frustrated or impatient.

Week 3: Using Mantras for Patience

In the same post, 6 Pointers for Practicing Patience, Dani Dipirro also suggests using a “patience-provoking” mantra to remind you of the need to be patient in a stressful situation. One of my favorite mantras is “Enjoy This.” As I mentioned in a previous post on Developing Mindfulness Cues, my 4-year-old child moves at her own slow pace. I’ve begun using my rising frustration at times when our chosen speeds conflict to remember to be mindful, and “Enjoy This,” allows me to slow down and do just that. Another, “Radical acceptance,” reminds me not to try to force my will or judgement on a situation, but simply to accept what is and move forward.

Week 4: Practice Conscious Preparation

While preparing ahead of time isn’t necessarily a tactic to cultivate patience, I find that I am typically impatient when I am late for something and I am typically late when I haven’t prepared well or planned my schedule ahead of time. I hope that by getting into the habit of thinking ahead each evening to what needs to be done the following day, I can avoid situations where I have to rush, leading to impatience on the part of anything standing in my way.

What about you? Have you found practices that have helped you cultivate patience, or do you think could use a month to focus on cultivating more? Either way, I’d love to hear from you!

Thanks for Reading!

Sharon, Author, The Conscious Parenting Notebook

A More Conscious Facebook Page

“You are what you share.” ― C.W. Leadbeater

As someone who leans more towards slow-living, adding a facebook page to this blog was not something I had originally planned to do. However, after becoming more involved in researching, writing and living A More Conscious Life, I found so many wonderful books, articles, photos, quotes, communities and other resources available on-line and wanted to share them with readers. I thought that a facebook page would be a good place to share these resources, to further connect with readers and to connect with others working to live more consciously.

And so… A More Conscious Facebook Page was born.

While facebook can be a way to keep in touch with friends, it can also be a way to connect to people and organizations that inspire you. Through this page, I hope to use the power of facebook to do just that.

If you would like to receive Facebook posts with resources and inspiration on Conscious Living, Conscious Parenting, Mindfulness, Simplicity, etc., and to be notified of new blog posts if you aren’t already, please click Like on A More Conscious Facebook Page.

I look forward to the conversation!

Thanks for reading.

Sharon, Author The Conscious Parenting Notebook